Furious With The Number 7: Sock Talk Phil’s Rejected ‘Furious 7’ Review For Another ‘Geek’ Site

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Editor’s note: The Rock was also in this movie.

Looks like Dom is at it again! Well, I guess he is. Honestly, this is the first ‘Fast & Furious’ I’ve ever seen. Dom could’ve been tending a deli counter for the past decade for all I know. Therefore, I took a buddy with me who’s seen the last couple. I think it was 5 & 6. He deemed that period the “Carefree F & Fs”.  Anyway, he was there as my spirit guide through the world that was seemingly too fast and a tad too furious.

To the nitty-gritty, my 13 year-old self would definitely enjoy this flick. This isn’t to say I didn’t, but it just brought me back to a time when I would go see a movie or 2 or 3 in a weekend. Sometimes I’d see 3 in a night. All the kids out there, I encourage you to try it out. Just pay for one showing and manage to sneak into 2 more. The ushers don’t care. They’re only marginally older than you and hate their job/life. Any stab at the corporate heart that pays their measly wage is one they endorse.

Back to the movie. Now, like I said before, I hadn’t seen the last 6 ‘Fast & Furious’ flicks, but it doesn’t take a lot to understand the make of them. They’re a surreal mixture of action, heist, and buddy-cop movies. Sprinkle in some adequately fun performances by Kurt Russell and Jason Statham and you have something a little bit more interesting. My buddy informed me that Statham’s scope of villainy is further developed when taking the last movie into account. To me, it didn’t really matter. He was more than serviceable. Not his best, but you’ll enjoy the moments he’s onscreen. Same goes for Russell. His presence gave the movie a whole different feel. Then again, maybe it was the same formula as the last 18. Fans will know better.

As for the principal cast, Vincensio Petroli or Vin Diesel as the Americans like to call him, was, in fact, in this movie. No doubts. When the credits roll and your eagle eyes picked out the name like a sharpshooter on speed, they weren’t lying. Paul Walker’s in this thing too! Despite the obvious handicap of no longer being of this world, he rears his Paul Walker-y head and gives us the damnedest Paul Walker performance only one can give once in a Paul Walker. Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t bring up senorita ‘Girl Fight’ herself, Michelle Rodriguez. She’s beautiful, tough as nails and for a nails enthusiast like myself it’s a cream dream. That madame can do no wrong in my eyes. She could show up at my doorstep with my two dogs freshly gutted in each hand, reading from the AAA service manual while ocularly fornicating a stuffed marmot,  and I’d be begging for more. To be honest that’d be fairly interesting with anyone, but you get the gist.

Oh yeah, there’s also Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson rounding up the rest of the gang. They quip back and forth, make-out a couple of times, but generally and genuinely keep the movie lighter having shed a collective 35 pounds from the previous films. All in all, the gang is back and intact.

Does the gang save this flick? They make it entertaining in a couple ways with some generic banter and Vinnie D spouting off some monosyllabic nonsense (Which I don’t necessarily mind, really), but it all ultimately comes out tamed. There is maybe one memorable car chase scene in the middle of the Eurasian woods, but, in general, things aren’t too fast or furious. Maybe my expectations were too high when my buddy hyped it up as a great cartoon chase movie, but I’d like to think it could deliver on that level. The more I type and think about it there are a couple other moments, but it doesn’t really stick. Make one of these movies ‘R’ and get some blood and gore in there. Raise the stakes visually and make the movie purely composed of practical stunts and effects. Things could get more interested and even a bit frightening. It may not be as broad, but it’d be interesting and isn’t it worse to be touting yourself as a jumpstart to the spring/summer movie season only to be, well, boring.

Save this morsel for cable and take in the Paul Walker memoriam at the end. That, as silly as this movie/review can get, is fairly sweet. Another plus or interesting side-note, Kurt Russell will be in a modern movie millions of people will see and, hopefully, they’ll look at his filmography and go down that rabbit hole. One can hope.

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